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Assault on America, Day 506: Nancy Pelosi’s $3 trillion slush fund disguised as virus relief

Nancy Pelosi
Nancy Pelosi responds to blue state governors’ demands to restock their piggy banks


Last week in the Capitol building in the Speaker’s office:

Buzzzz. Buzzzz. Buzzzz. Buzzzz.

“Okay, okay, okay, I’m coming. Keep your skirt on,” muttered Speaker Nancy Pelosi as she approached the call button on her desk phone. Pressing it down, she heard a voice say, “Madame Speaker, don’t forget you have a series of conferences with our party’s governors this morning. They’re anxious to speak with you about sending slush -- I mean aid -- to their states.”

“I bet they are,” Pelosi mumbled to no one, the room completely empty and stiflingly still. ‘This is exhausting,’ she thought. First there was the wave of goody-seeking lobbyists, then a sit-down with the snooty and disrespectful members of “The Squad” (who demanded she pass the Green New Deal today to defeat the coronavirus), then there was that idiot from the Biden campaign who stopped by to gripe about her answers to the media’s softball Tara Reade questions and now this, a bunch of wannabe jerks from largely populated places who just want money from her.

“What do I look like, a frickin’ cash register? An ATM? A blackjack dealer?”

The Speaker quickly put on her coronavirus mask so as not to be caught looking as though she didn’t care about the little people out in the hinterlands -- or those stuck in cramped quarters in densely populated cities with liberal mayors -- who are still suffering under the weight of blue state Democrat governors’ absurd “health” restrictions. Appearances mean everything. If we don’t seem like we’re following our own rules, the peasants may revolt even more, and we gotta hang on ‘til November at all costs.

At that moment Pelosi’s assistant entered the office without knocking and sarcastically quipped with a huge grin, “Don’t worry, Madame, today’s conversations are by the good ‘ol fashioned landline phone with no video connect. You can go ahead and take your mask off now.” Peeved at the woman’s lack of deference but also annoyed at the mask’s un-comfortability, San Fran Nan ripped the thing from her face like a band-aid fastened to the hairs on your arm, momentarily intending to toss it in the trash but thought better of it with a witness close by.

“Watch your tone, missy” the octogenarian Speaker barked to the 50-something-year-old secretary. “I’ve told everyone they need to put the da--, I mean darn things on whenever there’s a possibility someone from the outside world might see us. Keep it in mind or you’re gonna be joining the unemployment line along with the other 40 million-odd sad saps who took us at face value when we told ‘em we’d save their country and their jobs. Imbecile!”

“Yes ma’am” the aide sheepishly uttered as she exited the room with downturned face and muted voice, like a puppy that’d been scolded for messing on the living room floor.

‘That’s better’, Pelosi thought. ‘It’s about time my staff started treating me right. They’re beginning to remind me of Republicans. I’ll have to speak with “Chucky” (Schumer) about setting up a mandatory meeting with our underlings to go over the rules of decorum. Ever since I watched that scene in (the miniseries) “John Adams” (where he had an audience with King George III), I want everyone to bow to me three times before they approach me to speak.’

The thought of so much reverence brought a smile to her face, something that hasn’t occurred much lately. With coronavirus cases and deaths dropping noticeably just about everywhere in the past few weeks, Pelosi recognized it would be harder and harder to keep the citizenry suppressed. And with impeachment having failed miserably and the grassroots having settled on doddering dolt Joe Biden as their nominee, the old political pro figured she and her minions were almost certainly stuck with Donald Trump as president for another four years. Even more importantly, if Democrats didn’t shore up the blue state vote, goodbye House margin.

“If we lose our majority I’m outta here,” Pelosi again spoke to herself. “I’m not gonna stay here and be Minority Leader again. I’ve had a great run pushing establishment Republican Speakers around, but sooner or later they’re gonna get wise and ex-me out of the equation.”

Right then a call came through, but instead of the caller ID indicating a blue state governor, it said “NUTS” (which stands for ‘Nominee Under The Stooges’) on the little screen. ‘What’s he bothering me for?’ she wondered, identifying Joe Biden’s all-too-appropriate call sign.

“Hey Nance, Joe Biden here. I just wanted to tell you that we really, really need that $3 trillion package you’re putting together, otherwise there’s no way people will remain passive while their lives go to dog crap before their eyes. It also means I’d have to go out and actually campaign. I’m having the best of times just sitting here in my basement listening to 70’s top 40 disco hits on the record player. Those Bee Gees are awesome, man, even if they are from Australia. Do something, will ya?”

“No problem, Joe, consider it done,” Nancy replied. There was no reason to lie to the dopey dufus, figuring he wouldn’t recall her face the next time they met in person anyway. The party convention is most likely history, so she might never see him again, period -- a good thing.

The phone buzzed again and this time it indicated “GONY” (Governor of New York), which was a much more welcome sight to the haggish pol.

“How ya doin’, Andy?,” Pelosi greeted the man who all Democrats think would be president if he’d only decided to run a year ago. “Great, Nancy,” Andrew Cuomo answered. “But the conservative press has been hounding me lately about all the old farts dropping like flies in the rest homes around here, but other than that, we’re doing well with our plan to suffocate the local economy to death. I need to pay off the public employee unions’ pensions, though, and our tax revenue is in the… well, you-know-whats. I’m starting to get some pushback about my whining about bailing out states and cities. We need that money to stay politically viable, even in Gotham. SAVE ME. PLEASE?!”

“Sure, Andy, consider it done,” Pelosi repeated her stock phrase for her fellow Italian-American. ‘Can I lie to a Catholic and get away with it at confession?,’ she asked herself, briefly glancing at the ceiling to see if there was a lightning bolt forming. Seeing none, she breathed a sigh of relief. Phew!

After terminating the brief chat, the phone lit up with “GOCA” (Governor of California). “I was expecting you earlier,” Pelosi said to Gavin Newsom. “Glad to see you’ve stopped saying all those nice things about Trump’s coronavirus response and instead decreed that our state will remain forever closed tighter than Ebenezer Scrooge’s purse strings at Christmas time.”

“Yup, we’ve got it all handled out here, Nance, don’t worry about it a bit.” Newsom retorted, his smug arrogance coursing through the phone line. “I’m just calling to make sure you included cash payments to our voting base this time… you know, the illegal aliens.” Pelosi was shocked to hear him use such a cruel non-PC term instead of the more tried and true “undocumented workers” who make up the core of their party, but remembering who he was, the negative emotion went away in an instant.

“Consider it done, Gav,” Nancy squawked embarrassingly. Whenever she lied so much a giant frog developed in her throat. Now it was starting to hurt. “Totally awesome. Cowabunga! Chow!” Newsom blurted out and clicked.

‘I don’t know how much more of this I can stand,’ Pelosi pondered. The phone buzzed again and “GUVGRETCH” flashed on the screen. “Oh no. Not her. Ummm… how’s it goin’ up there, Gretch? You any closer to giving into the Ted Nugent faction of gun toting freedom-seekers in the Wolverine State?

No way! We’re having too much fun ordering people around,” Whitmer said enthusiastically. “Hey, I learned a lot from you, Nancy. It’s like you’re my idol… I mean you’re the one who taught me how to tell my constituents to go eat ice cream, right?”, the much younger woman giggled stupidly.

Pelosi was enraged. “No, I SAID, ‘Let them eat cake’, darn-it! That’s the line, you half-wit. I’m the one who blazed trails for women in American politics. Don’t let ‘em tell you it was Eleanor Roosevelt. And it definitely wasn’t Hillary Clinton either. I was Speaker for a couple years before she even ran for president. She was bubba Bill Clinton’s wife or she’d still be home baking cookies in Arkansas and cleaning up after Bill’s latest sloppy encounters. She wouldn’t be anything if I didn’t take one for the cause by being elected supreme leader. Now go get your daily helium refill and leave me alone.”

The Speaker slammed down the phone and stomped out of the room, making a beeline towards Chucky Schumer’s office to vent. Just as she reached the hallway, however, she heard “Madame, Stacey Abrams is on the phone.” “What the…? She’s not even a governor, so why the he-l would I talk to her?”, Pelosi wondered. “Besides, she’s morbidly obese, like Trump.”

“Hold all my calls. I’ll be back… when I feel like it!,” Pelosi bellowed as her pace quickened away from her confined space.

--There are more blue state governors who are no doubt begging at Nancy Pelosi’s feet, and that’s not fiction. She and her Democrat caucus (with some defectors who voted no) did pass the $3 trillion bill, which has payoffs for all the appropriate Democrat groups. It won’t pass the senate, but is the (political) damage already done?

April retail sales were horrible. More “relief” bills would only add to the mounting national debt

One would rightly wonder, with the trillions of dollars Congress already appropriated to fund “relief” efforts for unemployed workers and threatened businesses -- as well as stimulus money for everyone else -- why aren’t people out dumping the excess back into the economy? It’s not hard to figure out, and it’s the primary reason why Pelosi’s superfluous $3 trillion bill just isn’t a good idea.

Bruce Yandle wrote at The Washington Examiner, “Last week’s dismal report on plummeting April retail sales was no surprise for regular fans of economic data. After all, practically every other recent measure of economic life offers a similar picture. Employment growth (better described right now as decay) is in the basement, as is industrial production, capital spending, travel, and tourism. This leaves unanswered the big question: When will this coronavirus recession hit bottom and begin to generate meaningfully positive economic activity? …

“If the [personal payments to individuals, PPP, and unemployment] money is not being spent on retail sales, where is it all hiding? (A graph depicts month-over-month growth in retail sales, money in checking accounts (demand deposits), and money placed in savings accounts… which show explosive growth in deposits and savings— and plummeting retail sales)…

“[W]ith money coming in while stay-at-home rules shutter retail stores, auto dealers, restaurants, and practically every other place where we normally spend money (including our churches, mosques, and synagogues), it’s no wonder that we have lakes of money sitting around with nowhere to go. After all, there’s only so much that Amazon can accommodate, and its deliveries are running a bit tardy.”

This dearth of spending has been one of the fascinating elements of the coronavirus shutdowns and panic. Yandle is correct, the federal checks were sent out yet there simply isn’t much to buy with it. College tuition was already paid prior to March. No one can go out to eat. You can’t take a vacation or go to visit relatives across the country (well, you can, but who knows what the quarantine rules will be like once you get there).

From personal experience, we know anyone who dares go to Hawaii is subject to a mandatory 14-day quarantine. This means if you so much as leave your hotel room the state government goons will be after you. And they mean business. My family was planning a get-together on the islands for next month, but who wants to fly there only to watch TV in a hotel room?

This is only one example, but you can’t spend much close to home unless you’re really seeking luxuries or to replace that worn out couch. And prudence suggests we should be saving everything we can at this point.

Because of this unspent pool of cash, Yandle predicts the recovery will be slower than many would like it (he said first part of 2022 to return to “normal”). It really depends on how fast states reopen. If it’s up to Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi, everything will be stifled at least until after November.

It doesn’t take a genius to wonder why Democrats are working so hard to keep the economy closed -- they’re doing it so people will blame Trump and Republicans for the worst of the damage. With COVID-19 cases and deaths steadily declining, it will be much harder for the bigger government party to get its way. Have a pleasant and meaningful Memorial Day.

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