As families gather across the country to celebrate Thanksgiving Day, 2022, there no doubt is much to be thankful for this year despite all the bad political happenings of the past twelve months – and there were many, including a disappointing result for conservatives in the
federal midterm elections two weeks ago. Fortunately, Americans will end the year with some hope for a brighter future in 2023.
From a government policy standpoint, at the very least we know that we won’t have to listen to liberal establishment media members drone on and on about whether the Green New Deal or the “For The People Act” will be slipped under the Speaker’s door only to be granted consideration by still-Majority Leader Chucky Schumer in the senate. Conservatives can also take comfort in realizing that speech text ripping old crone Nancy Pelosi will never again sit behind the president during another State of the Union Address. That thought alone should bring a wide grin to many an America-loving person’s face.
Nevertheless, there remains plenty of fodder for contentious Thanksgiving Dinner “discussions” centering on culture and the nation’s direction this year. The recently concluded campaign was particularly (and predictably) nasty, with Democrats roundly accusing Republicans of being anti-democracy and “semi-fascists” simply for opposing the evil schemes of senile president Joe Biden and his horde of ambitious congressional majority Democrats.
Turnabout is fair play, however, and now Biden will need to contend with the fact that some of those who he affixed the “MAGA Republican” label to will now be in position to investigate his (and his son’s) corrupt and sleazy dealings, as well as have a yes or no say-so on moving – or trashing -- big chunks of his agenda.
“President Joe Biden was effusive in his praise for departing House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) — but he will soon have to work with a man he has described as a member of a democracy-threatening political faction: a MAGA Republican. Biden called to congratulate House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), likely the next speaker of the House, when Republicans won their 218th seat [last] Wednesday night.
“’I congratulate Leader McCarthy on Republicans winning the House majority, and am ready to work with House Republicans to deliver results for working families,’ the president said in a statement. But numerous times in the run-up to the midterm elections, Biden referred to ‘Kevin McCarthy and his fellow MAGA Republicans’ while campaigning for Democrats. “Biden was always vague about who exactly was a MAGA Republican. Sometimes he hinted he was only referring to politicians who refuse to accept electoral defeats as legitimate. At other times the MAGA label seemed to be applied more broadly to standard conservative positions that predate former President Donald Trump’s political career.”
Face it, senile Joe didn’t have a clue what he meant by “MAGA Republican” all that time because the term was most assuredly coined and written into his speeches by some schlep who is paid to dream up catchy phrases to pitch to the Democrats’ low-information base. While Joe was probably outside sniffing the White House roses, his handlers must’ve inserted the “MAGA Republican” line into his vernacular mobile and then the not-so-gentle hands threatened him with a physical punishment if he didn’t ride along with it.
It remains to be seen how forgiving Republicans will be when McCarthy – or some other Republican (we can still hope, can’t we?) – takes the Speaker’s gavel from Nancy Pelosi (or a similarly cringeworthy liberal party member) in early January. Everyone knows Biden and the rest of the Democrats will do and say anything to hold onto power, and the wounds from the just ended campaign are still raw.
How to heal? How about a Thanksgiving get-together between combatants? Here’s what it might look like tomorrow at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue:
--In the spirit of reconciliation, remembrance and forgiveness, senile president Joe Biden lectured his staff, because of the results of the recent nationwide elections, to only invite Republicans to this year’s White House Thanksgiving dinner celebration. The newly turned 80-year-old president (on November 20th) figured he would need to do a little groveling to those who he’d so deeply insulted/flattered with the “MAGA Republican” label during the campaign, so he surmised it would be good for his chances of success to get his resurgent opponents a little liquored up and fat with taxpayer purchased holiday largesse now so they’d be inclined to go easier on him when the time arrived to get down to business next year.
The guests arrived at the appointed time – in between Thanksgiving NFL games – and sat around a large circular table placed in the middle of the enormous White House dining room so as to imply a circular firing squad. Senile Joe hoped the symbolism wouldn’t be lost on his Republican enemies, and opened the festivities with a prayer scribbled onto a notecard that his press secretary, Karine Jean-Pierre, had slipped into his pocket for that purpose.
“Please bow your heads and be sure not to look at me. Dear almighty non-secular being, we gather ‘round this table today to commemorate the greatness of American Thanksgivings past – especially the ones Democrat presidents presided over. Please provide my Republican friends here with the wisdom and courage to ignore everything they were sent by their constituents to Congress to do in order to pass what’s left of my ‘Build Back (More) Better’ Agenda and therefore bankrupt this nation and world and henceforth hold down population growth of us oh-so-damaging-to-the-environment human beings.”
Joe glanced around and noted that no one had yet raised their head, so he continued, “Thank you for COVID-19, the Chinese Communist Party, the global warming ‘climate change’ alarmist crowd, Vladimir Putin invading Ukraine to distract from our disastrous pullout of Afghanistan, and, of course, the establishment media for flying cover for me over the past half a year or so. And I’d like to make a special shout out to those waves of single women who made all the difference in numerous political races by voting to protect abortion… (Joe whispered to himself, ‘Curse the Supreme Court!’)
“Oh yeah. Sorry about that last one, Lord. I realize you might hold a different view on human life vs. ‘reproductive rights’. But you’re wrong, Jack.
“And here’s calling for an Amen!”
The somewhat stunned Republican guests couldn’t believe what they’d just heard, but they could at least agree to giving an ‘Amen!’ on Joe’s prompt to end the prayer. After all, it could be the last thing they agree upon the entire day – or the next two years before the 2024 election.
Senile Joe sat down next to Dr. Jill on his left and (possible) Speaker-to-be Kevin McCarthy on his right and a staff member announced to the dinner attendees that there should be no talking whatsoever until Joe had finished his food – and that once Biden had declared himself satisfied and no longer hungry, that no one else could take another bite.
Biden asked a formally dressed servant for a “senior” portion of fixins’, so the guests silently estimated that there wasn’t much time to eat. Sure enough, the president finished in under five minutes whereupon the post-Thanksgiving dinner conversation/arguing commenced.
Already quite agitated – and with a smidgen of budding indigestion -- senile Joe couldn’t contain himself any longer, so he looked directly at McCarthy to his right and said, “Yo, Kev-bo, can I call you that? Whaddaya say, are you gonna consult with Nancy P. on everything you ever do? She’s been in Congress for like a hundred years or something and knows what’s best for the country, which not-so-ironically, is the same stuff I like. Any thoughts on that?”
McCarthy was still smarting from the dinner eating portion ending early. Everything looked so scrumptious and he’d been the last one in line to receive the food plates as they were passed around in a clockwise direction (starting with senile Joe, of course), which had only given him about 30 seconds to eat anything. So, he replied gruffly, “Joe, by your own admission we don’t know each other that well. But we kind of have a few things in common. No one thinks either one of us is all that bright, so that works to our comparative advantage.”
Kevin went on, “I’m only going to have a narrow majority, so I’m gonna havta listen to what the Freedom Caucus and the other conservatives have in mind, or I’m not going to get anything done. We all know you’re gonna veto anything we send over from Congress anyway, even if it has Chucky Schumer’s okay on it. So what’s the point of even being here? And I only got to finish about three bites. I’m mad!
“Frankly, I think John Fetterman can hold a better conversation than you do these days.”
Fetterman, who, because he can’t understand anything that he’s told or verbally read to him, mistakenly thought he was invited to the dinner and could be heard out in the hallway saying something to Biden’s Chief of Staff akin to, “I like fracking. I’m in favor of fracking…. Fracking this, fracking that. Yeah, something about fracking.”
Ignoring the Ogre-babble from afar, senile Joe didn’t appreciate McCarthy’s tone and let him know it. “Dude, I brought you here so you could get ready to capitulate like all Republicans always do. Except that devil Trump, of course. But no one likes him anymore. So why don’t you take a doggy bag full of dinner rolls and get the heck out of here. This is supposed to be a fun occasion and you’re acting like Hunter does when he doesn’t get his latest delivery of Chinese loot and amphetamine to distribute to his email list of recipients.”
Semi-enraged at the president’s rude brush-off, McCarthy got up and did as he was instructed, famished from the lack of nourishment. Joe then looked at Jim Jordan in the next seat to the Speaker-to-be’s right and queried, “what have you got to say, little guy?”
The five-foot-eight-inch, tough-as-nails former college wrestler Jordan quickly answered, “Joe, we all had to sit there and keep quiet the past few years while your Democrats demagogued every issue, impeached Trump twice, pontificated about ‘voter suppression’, lied about COVID and covered the behinds of the rotten-to-the-core FBI. Seriously, Mr. President, what do you think we’re going to do when we get power? We’re going to investigate every last Democrat down to their unmentionables, starting with you!” Jordan couldn’t help but chortle uproariously as he saw the old commander-in-chief frown and swallow what looked to be a leftover chunk of dressing from dinner, the solid lump not going easily down the old goat’s gullet, either.
“Ooouuuuuutttttt!” Biden bellowed so loud that the room literally shook, the vibrations toppling a half-empty wine bottle along with the smirking little statue of Barack Obama that senile Joe had placed in the middle of the table to set the tone of the gathering.
Clearly not receiving the deference that he was after, Biden decided against talking with Marjorie Taylor Green, Lauren Boebert or Byron Donalds, the three Republicans seated in sequence to Jordan’s right. Like they’d done in last year’s SOTU address, Boebert and Green stood up and objected whenever Biden said something fictional, which was every other word.
Biden had had enough of them, too, so he whispered to a deep state servant to pull their chairs out from under them if they didn’t get the gist and leave on their own. So they did, the last of the remaining Republican House members who’d taken the bait to come into senile Joe’s lair to receive a Thanksgiving tongue-lashing.
The table was set so that Mitch McConnell and the Republican senate leadership was positioned opposite the president so he wouldn’t have to strain his neck trying to beg them to cooperate. Getting tired of the lack of progress, Biden decided to skip straight to Mitch McConnell, correctly guessing that “Cocaine Mitch” was the only Republican in Washington who’d be willing to give him what he wanted.
“Hey there, Mitch, from one long-serving Trump-hating Washington swamp creature to another, what say ye on the possibility of ditching the filibuster so Chucky Schumer can spin his webs and finagle another couple trillion from the ol’ federal treasury for abortion funding and climate change? Doable, yes?” Joe asked hopefully.
McConnell sulked, and despite desperately wanting to give Biden whatever he asked for as he always does, calmly replied, “Come on, Joe. Even you must realize that the seat I occupy is already pretty darn hot. If I don’t get serious about shutting down – pardon that term – all of this federal spending, they’re gonna haul me back to redneck land in an old rusty pickup truck. What would I do there? No one else would invite me to Thanksgiving dinner, would they? Don’t count on me helping you out this time, Jack.”
Ticked off that McConnell would dare call him by his own favorite derogatory put-down moniker – “Jack” – Biden gestured with his head towards the door that the House Republicans had taken for Mitch to exit the building. The bespectacled establishment Republican looked relieved as he got up from the table and didn’t look back as he playfully skipped though the opening, mumbling something about budgets and the debt threshold and bipartisanship as he faded into the distance.
Biden purposely bypassed John Thune, who had been seated to McConnell’s right, judging that the South Dakota senator was just an empty suit who would do anything the “turtle” told him to do, then purposely glanced past retiring – and therefore powerless -- senator Roy Blunt, who is leaving this year only to be replaced by a Trump-endorsed senator from the Show Me State. ‘Dang, we’re going to miss that dude Blunt, he just voted with all us Democrats to codify gay marriage. He’s exactly the type of malleable non-MAGA Republican that we Democrats love’, Biden thought to himself.
Speaking of “MAGA Republicans”, the president noted that Ted Cruz was the only GOP upper chamber member left seated at the 10 o’clock position on the round table opposite senile Joe. The rest – Senators Rand Paul, Josh Hawley and Tom Cotton -- were insulted when senile Joe experienced a senior moment and forgot what their names were, so at different times they politely excused themselves and said they were each headed to the restroom only to slip out the front door undetected.
“What are you still doing here, Ted? I thought Beto O’Rourke beat you last century. You’re about as bad as that heinous, insurrection-initiating orange guy. Get your carcass out of here or I’m gonna take you outside behind the gym and teach you a lesson on how to treat Democrats,” the old coot threatened with teeth gritted, visibly trembling like notorious swindler Sam Bankman-Fried during a media interview.
“I’ll be happy to leave, Joe, this place reeks like Old Spice aftershave from 1973 and I’ve seen happier atmospheres at a mausoleum during a funeral. I only stayed this long because I wanted to assure you that I and every conservative I know are going to do everything we can to pin your butt to the door. We Texas folk are working with the border patrol to tie your negligence to every hack in your administration. We’re going to expose it all. Your days are numbered, bud,” Cruz promised as he stood up, buttoned his coat and casually left the room.
“Maybe this Thanksgiving thing wasn’t such a great idea after all” Biden joked to the few humans left in the room, which included Dr. Jill and son Hunter to his immediate left. Joe hadn’t noticed until then, but there was another man next to Hunter who appeared as though he was aching to say something.
“What the devil are you doing here, Trump?” Joe wobbled incredulously as though he had already vapor locked and passed away and was now enduring an out-of-body experience. “Didn’t I say you were never to set foot in this House again? Guards! Guards! Escort this fool away! Throw him in the dungeon or feed him to the leftist miscreant protesters outside! NOW!”
“No way, Joe”, Trump shot back. “I’m running again to boot you from the office you stole in 2020. All the shenanigans and FBI agents and ‘Russian disinformation’ in the world ain’t gonna help you now. You’ve tanked this country and I’m sick of it. I’ve come back to Make America Great Again, and I’ll never leave again – at least until the next Republican is elected in my place after I’m through undoing all the damage you’ve caused.
“You’re the one who’s going to leave today. Talk about a Happy Thanksgiving for all!”
I’ll leave it up to your imagination as to what happened next. Nothing seems for real in the past couple years of American political history. It’s anyone’s guess as to what the future actually holds. The only thing we can do today and this weekend is try and put aside all the negatives plaguing our country and focus on the good things, like family and friends seated around a table with great food and spirits. With that in mind, Happy Thanksgiving!
ICYMI – Last year’s equally entertaining look at Joe Biden’s celebration of the 400th Anniversary of the First Thanksgiving is available by clicking here.
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